Clarity

by Karena Ayotte

 

Sometimes things don’t work out. Sometimes things fall apart and you have to start over with a new perspective. People tend to learn from events like this. They realize that they aren’t sure of what they had dreamed of doing was more of a fantasy than reality and then have to choose a new path. I’ve had many of these moments. One of these moments was more significant than most. 

 

****

 

Tiny, crystalline splatters of water hit the car windows. I stared out the tinted glass, watching the world be trampled by the heavy rains and overpowering winds. Leaves were being lifted off the barren ground, creating whirlwinds of bright yellows, reds, and oranges.

 I turned back to my book, flipping the page. Only 7 pages ago had I dazed off, now I had no idea what I was reading about. With a sigh I dropped the book to the floor, littered with empty snacks wrappers, several crushed Cheez-Its, a half full bottle of cola, and all miscellaneous of items. I picked up my tablet, and reached over to grab my headphones from Emily. “Hey!” she protested as I pulled the chord from the movie player. “Em, you have your own headphones, stop being a bum and get them.” She rolled her eyes and reached down into the open zipper of her bag and pulled out her headphones. Now was that so hard? I plugged in the headphones to my tablet and waited as the luminescent screen turned on. 

 

As soon as the ataractic music started up from my Pandora account, I opened up my email and wrote a quick message to my mom. “Hey mom, we’re still in Pennsylvania. The rain isn’t giving up and the wind just is destroying everything. How are things at home? Has the storm hit you guys? Hope things are okay; I’ll be home around 3:00 tonight. Bye.” I hit send.

 The bright blue sending bar slowly finished loading as Emily’s mom, Beth, cleared her throat, “Girls, how about we stop for lunch soon.” Emily jumped up in her seat, “Yes! Yes, yes, yes, please and thank you!” Beth smiled back at us through the rearview mirror and I returned a smile before turning to my tablet. I opened up my newest ebook, a short story about a young girl who had recently lost her sight. 

 

Through the obnoxious volume of my music I could deafly hear Beth start talking about her work and how she had wanted to be a math teacher as a young adult, but had later chosen a different profession.

 

Just as my music paused to go to the next song, Emily turned to me, “I wanna be a marine biologist.”

 

I glanced at her, “Really? That’s cool, Em.”

 

She grinned from ear to ear, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” 

 

I shrugged, “Well, um, I guess I kind of want to be a manga artist.”

 

She gasped, “That would be awesome!” 

 

With a quick, half-hearted smile I turned off my tablet and turned back out the window. I sat in silence just thinking about what I had said. I didn’t actually want to be a manga artist. That had been a quick lie. I wanted to be some kind of leader, someone who changed the world.  

 

I leaned back and eventually fell asleep. Several times my head fell forward and I would wake for a moment before closing my eyes again, but even still, I dreamt.

 

 I dreamed of my yard in the spring. I was standing on the soft green grass, small flowers budding all around me, before me stood three trees. Each bore fruit and stood in a triangular shape in the yard. They stood proud and tall and sent a sweet fruity smell into the air as the wind caressed their gentle leaves. It was a beautiful scene, but then everything began changing. 

 

The peach tree, my favorite tree, then let out an ear-piercing scream. It was like a pained screech of desperation and a shiver rushed down my spine. Its trunk bent forward and its leaves turned ashen. The other two stood perfectly still, leaving the peach tree to feel the pain it had somehow inflicted itself in. Suddenly the peach tree froze, a cold gray spreading up its entirety until it was completely covered in the deathly color. 

 

A chilled breeze brushed my skin and as the wind reached the tree, its leaves crumbled, followed by it trunk and everything else. The ground where it had stood was brown, still healthy and untouched by what had overcome the tree itself. As I watched, slightly scared and very confused, a small sapling sprouted from the ground. 

 

Its single, bright green leaf looked new and healthy and the longer I looked the more beautiful it became. 

Suddenly, I jolted awake as Emily punched me gently in the arm, “Hey, wake up!” I turned to her, the image of the dream slowly becoming a haze in my mind. “Sorry.”

 

****

 

A half hour later, we pulled into the parking lot of a gas station. Beth filled up the almost empty gas tank and then we set off for the McDonalds across the street. As we sat there silently eating our lunch, I thought about what I had said to Emily about my future dream. 

I thought suddenly, what do I have to hide from Emily? I took a sip of my soda and shifted so I was facing her, “You know what I said in the car about wanting to be a manga artist? Well, honestly, I don’t. I want to be famous. I want to do something that will change the world for the better. I want to have the perfect family and my dream house. I don’t really want to be a manga artist, I mean we have talked about it but really I don’t care for it all that much.” She stared at me for a second and then sarcastically said, “Ok. I don’t really care.” 

 

Even though she was joking, since she flicked a French fry at me and stuck her tongue out, my pride shattered when she said that. 

 Just then, my tablet “dinged” signaling that my mom had responded. I reached into my purse and pulled out my Kindle. It read, “The peach tree fell. The wind is just as strong here, but I think it will pass soon.”

 

 The peach tree?  My favorite thing in my entire yard was gone? I read the email over again. 

 

No. 

 

My parents had planted that tree for me when I was born, the other two for themselves. They called me “peachy” all the time when I was little, but over the years they had stopped using it. I had simply grown out of it I guess, but from my earliest memories I could remember climbing its fragile branches and sitting under those white budding flowers in the spring. Now it was gone. 

I stared numbly at the dimmed screen and quickly responded with a short, “Okay, see you later. Love you.” It felt so weird having it gone. I hadn’t even seen it yet, but I felt like something was amiss in the air. 

 

I continued eating my lunch and after a while, I forgot about what was happening at home and my insulted life goal, and started laughing with Emily. After we  finished we headed back to the gas station.

 

 As we walked to the car I noticed a couple standing in the shadows under a low canopy of trees shrouding the gas station. I couldn’t hear them, but they were both waving their hands in the air and they were clearly fighting.  From my perspective they looked like a younger couple and the woman was most definitely pregnant. The man kept running his hands through his hair and paced back and forth. 

 

I watched them as I slowly opened my car door and stepped into the car. The woman had started crying and threw a small silver object at him, which glinted in the sun as it arched through the air. A ring? I thought as we pulled out the gas station. I looked behind me to see what had happened and just as the man raised his hand and it began its descent, we turned the corner. I whipped back around so I was facing the front of the car, my eyes wide with shock. He hit her! 

 

~~~~

 

About an hour later we entered Connecticut. The streets were littered with broken branches, leaves, and a wide array of trashed items. I stared at the passing trees, watching their damp branches dance in the whistling wind. The car passed through the shallow puddles and threw water up against the cars sides and the windows, startling me. The storm had hit here harder than I thought. 

 

Time seemed to pick up for the rest of ride, the entire thing a blur of laughing, talking, and singing. The wind outside seemed irrelevant from the interior of the safe warmth of the car, but as soon as we pulled into my driveway, I realized how strong it was. All the bushes lining the front of my house were flattened, leaves of all warm colors were thrown across the yard and street, and the grass glistening from its drowning state.  

 

Then I saw the peach tree.

 

 It was a strange feeling, seeing that beautiful peach tree uprooted, the life taken from it. Its bright green leaves yellowed, some still thriving, but barely hanging on. The tree lay pitifully on its side, disabled, the branches crushed by the massive weight of the trunk. The dirt near its roots sprayed all around the grass and the roots, the roots dangled, suspended in the air. Some still clung to the damp earth, rather clinging to the Earth than fly away with the strong squall of wind.  

 

So this is what happened here. I thought. This is the reality. It hurts a little bit. That peach tree had always been the only one to truly thrive out of the three fruit trees and now it was dead. It had been the strongest and now it was gone.

 

The tree had survived for another year, but it never bore fruit again. Some things just aren’t meant to be it seems.

 

After the incident with peach tree,  I began searching for something else. It was strange, starting with a new path, but after having the same dream for so long, striving to accomplish it and then realizing I didn’t even know how to get there, it made me stop and think what I truly wanted.  I wanted something I could call my own and many could remember me by, so I settled on a goal that would do just that. The simplest yet straightforward goal I could set for myself is that I would be me.